Social media has done so many good things. It has allowed us to connect with people all over the world, and build/join communities we otherwise couldn’t have. But it has also given us a million and one moments a day to feel like we don’t measure up.Ā And this, I’m sure you’ve heard, is what’s been coined the ‘comparison trap’.
Recently I read this article that talks about the link between twitter and increased anxiety. One line that hit home for me said that social media ‘is a megaphone for achievements and a magnifying glass for insecurities, and when you start comparing your insecurities with another person’s achievements, it’s a recipe for anxiety’. This hit home for me, and I think it’s true across the board – whether your platform of choice is Twitter, Instagram, Youtube, Facebook, Weibo… or perhaps all of them. Don’t get me wrong, the act of comparing is a normal human instinct, and in its best form, it encourages us to improve our lives. But at its worst, it can make us feel overwhelmed, stressed and anxious.
After going through a bit of a comparison spiral myself last year, I looked around online for advice. What I found is that most focus on reminding ourselves about the reality of other people’s lives and remembering that social platforms are a highlight reel rather than a true reflection (thoughts echoed in my interview with Nasty Gal founder Sophia Amoruso). Both of these are useful tips, but at the end of the day they still focus on others, rather than being actualĀ tools that help us to avoid or halt comparisons. Over the last six months or so I’ve been testing out a few tactics for dealing with the comparison trap in a practical way, and wanted to share them with you. There are probably lots of other ways to approach this, so I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Tactics For Avoiding The Comparison Trap
1. Start Your Day Without Comparisons
You’ve heard of starting the day on the wrong side of the bed right? Well, the absolute definition of starting the day poorly is on the wrong side of the bed, and with your phone in your hand and your head full of comparisons. If you’ve been following for a while, you’ll know that I’m all for the daily digital detox, in the form of an overnight phone ban. ThisĀ allows you to start (and end) your day without feelings of comparison crowding your head.
Activity: Leave your phone outside of your bedroom overnight and don’t turn it on until an hour or so after you’ve woken up. Ā Start your day without scrolling, comments, tweets and other people’s filtered lives. Grab some magazines or a book if you want something to do in the morning! More on morning routines here.
2. Curate Your Feed
You can choose the imagery that you see and the lives you connect to, so make sure that you do that mindfully, with the goal of only allowing that which is useful and inspiring. Avoid people who make you react with a feeling of comparison. In addition to that, purge your feed of the ‘hate follow’ (people you follow or check for negative entertainment or that can’t-look-away train crash phenomenon).
Activity: Have a look through who you follow and purge yourself of any people or companies on your feed that you follow out of anything other than inspiration, love or genuine interest.Ā
3. Focus On Your Own Goals
If you run your own business or blog (and even if you don’t), the comparison trap can amplify not only feelings of not being good enough, but stress related to wanting to succeed at everything at once,Ā a feeling that (in my case at least) paralyzes rather than motivates. Ā Late last year I was stuck in a bit of a terminal loop, spending too much time unproductively on social media, with everyone’s success highlighting a feeling of being a bit stalled. Looking back it’s clear that this feeling was such a waste of my time and brainpower, both of which could have been channeled into working more on my own goals, which ironically would have made me feel anything but stalled. Avoiding the comparison trap takes the same type of willpower as it does to move on from a relationship – and if there’s one thing that helps to get over that crappy boyfriend is focusing on you.Ā So whileĀ comparing yourself to others online is normal, think about how much time you are wasting when instead you could be focusing on your goals and moving your life in the direction you choose.
Activity: It’s easy to waste time comparing yourself and confuse your goals if you don’t have any clear ones for yourself. So sit down and take some time to develop your short and long term goals and then develop a strategy for making them happen. Then, when you feel a twinge of comparison coming on, disconnect from social media and make a start on your goals – whether it be starting that website or learning floristry.Ā
4. Put Life Into Perspective
Recently I was waiting on some medical tests for a few days, and it was pretty stressful (everything is fine!). During that period, I got plenty of perspective. Ā I realised that so many things are much more important than any comparison points I might have. And while I’m not saying you should get an MRI and wait for the results, at times when you feel neck deep in comparisons, it’s worth reminding ourselves what is important in life…
Activity: You don’t need to experience something awfulĀ to put life into perspective, Ā it’s simply a case of reminding yourself of what else is happening in the world and how little some things will matter to you in the long run. If you find yourself going down the rabbit hole, take a moment to ask yourself, will this matter in 20 years? It might sound cliche, but it works!
5. Stop Obsessing Over Numbers (!)
If you’re in the industry (whether you’re a brand, blogger, creative or whatever) sometimes the comparison trap isn’t only about the content you are seeing, but people’s reaction to the contentĀ in cold hard numbers. It’s easy for likes, views and follows to be comparison points in themselves. But again, this is such a futile feeling that distracts you from focusing on creating a loyal community or engaging content. And in an industry where there are so many ways to generate false numbers, it’s important to remember that you could be wasting time comparing apples (a genuine audience) and oranges (engagement faked using comment pods, loop giveaways, bots) .
Activity: Stop looking at other people’s numbers and comparing them with yours, focus instead on your own community and creating amazing content and speaking directly to your audience. That is what will win you a truly loyal audience in the long run.
6. Do One Thing For Someone Else
If all else fails? Do something that takes you outside of yourself and into the realms of others around you. Because the comparison trap is, in essence, a self-indulgent emotion, going out and being with other people and helping them in whatever way you can (call a friend, walk a neighbor’s dog, volunteer) is a simple but effective way to stop yourself from indulging in these, let’s be honest, pointless thoughts.
Activity: Feeling awful because everyone’s life seems so much better than yours? It might be time to go and do something for someone else, something that will be sure to take your mind off it and give you the perspective you need.
Thank you so much for sharing such a great post! š I think as humans, we’re all a little prone to fall in to this comparison trap, but it’s always good to keep things in perspective, so you do’t get sucked in. These tips are great for everyone, whether you’re a blogger or not, since I know we can all fall victim to this cycle! Always an inspiration!
XO, Elizabeth
http://clothestoyouuu.com/
I’m so glad you liked this post Elizabeth, I think it’s an issue that gets harder and harder to ignore, and you have to be very proactive to make sure you don’t let comparisons see in to your days!
Thank you for sharing this, it’s so helpful! Especially as a fellow blogger I tend to compare myself and my blog to other, much bigger blogs. It often leaves me wondering if I can even make it this far! So, thanks for reminding us to sometimes ignore that feeling!
https://www.makeandmess.com/
I think what we have to do it just keep trying to forge our own way, look for advice in the right places and not fall down the rabbit hole of comparing our achievements to others. It’s so hard but it’s possible!
wise words, but as an Asian, it’s not a trap its a way of life =d
but I’ll try not to overdo it
Yes I can imagine these things differ across different cultures, do you find it a struggle or is it something you get used to?
since i was young, I had always been compared to with other kids. By young I mean age of 5 as I start pre-school. First they say oh that kid’s speaking English so well, then it was that kid could play the piano! It never ends, got worse by the time I went into school, were students are classed according to grades.
While most Western parents tend to go grass is on the greener side, Eastern parents are like: Why you not watering your grass hard enough??
If you want my two cents, self- acceptance and gratitude is the best way to stop yourself from comparing with other people. As long as you know that you have worked hard, and you have nothing to regret, Thank the stars for what you have achieved and just accept your hard work.
Because if you compare, it will never ever end.
Such wise words! And so interesting to hear about your experiences. I guess our parents just want the best for us but it can be stifling… Something to remember with our own children! I agree completely, that getting to a place of self acceptance is so key. Hopefully I will get there one day!
Hi I found this comment super interesting! š I can relate in an unusual way cos I’m half Faroese, half Chinese and was born in Singapore. My Faroese Mum doesn’t speak Chinese and my Dad hates speaking his mother tongue haha so English was spoken at home. My Mum also believes that a kid should exercise and play a lot so in our neighbourhood, we were 1 of the only kids who were allowed out in the playground after school (the Singaporean primary school system gives a lot of homework and exams, my Mum was just stubborn). So little things like this meant growing up I felt 2 different cultural expectations in every aspect of life. I really had to work hard to figure out what I want/like in order to get better at not comparing myself. And a bigger perspective and gratefulness helped me a lot too. Thanks Geneva for talking about this issue!! š
Thanks for sharing your story Ailyn, I imagine it was very hard to break through that level of pressure. Self acceptance and gratitude is so important <3
You are so right! Social media has got us thinking that everything is greener on the other side, and that we can only measure our success by the number of likes we get. So supportive of your idea that we should have an hour to ourselves in the morning. Actually, we shouldn’t be ashamed of wanting to make time for ourselves. Great post, Geneva! Thank you for it!
http://squirrelsgotstyletoo.blogspot.ro/
I’m so glad you like it Em. I read this other article talking about just how much phones are designed to actually be addictive, and it can be hard to avoid picking it up in the morning and having a scroll, but so worth it if you can. And if I have to post in the morning I do that only and avoid any scrolling or email checking.
it’s not the phones, but the apps. Where notifications are a way to “reward” your mind so you stay glued to your phone. I have since switched off 90% of my app notifications.
I agree completely. I no longer have my notifications, but I still have an urge to pick up my phone and check it ever 10 minutes….
This topic is so important for today’s society – so great that you dedicated an entire post to it. When looking at your instagram feed, it is impossible not to compare yourself to others, but I just try to not let it affect me. Because we all know that comparison is the thief of joy.
xx Julia
http://www.talesofjules.com/
I absolutely love that quote and I’m so glad you reminded me of it!
SO accurate!! Definitely agree with waking up right without your phone. That honestly changes a lot.
afomaumesi.com
I’m so happy to hear you think so. š
This post really came at the right time for me – I have been struggling with this issue for so long and I think it was really helpful that you broke it down into several actionable strategies to overcome this. Thanks so much for this!
On an unrelated note – where is your entire outfit in the post from?! I adore your pinafore and the top you paired with it!!
HI love! I am so glad you found it helpful, I think it’s an issue that we all need to face up to in order to be healthy, but it’s so easy to get bogged down in it and actually to kind of wallow in it!
Sorry forgot to answer your question – it’s all from Club Monaco actually, I love this outfit!
I can only imagine how much pressure you feel being in your teens in this online era. My high school years were just before the large scale adoption of the iPhone (I got one when I was 20) but everything has changed so quickly. But it means it even more necessary to address this as much as we can. xxx
Yes absolutely. I think what is key is for us to understand better the good things we get out of it and make use of those, whilst also making sure to stay aware of the issues that being online presents.
I was just talking about this with a friend recently. #2 is so big for me, I will filter out whoever I need to in order to not be continuously triggered. One of the people I unfollowed was one of my best friends, who I love, but her social media feed was just overwhelming to me for personal reasons. Instead of dealing with resurfacing emotions every time she posted, I finally bit the bullet and unfollowed. It’s made our friendship so much better, and actually made me value spending real live time with her, rather than interacting on social media. I recently told her that I had hit unfollow on her profile several years ago and she totally understood. Your social media should exist to make you feel better, not worse.
Wow that is so brave of you! I think its natural to feel bad when you unfollow people, which is probably why so many of us follow people that don’t make us happy or trigger bad emotions! Even harder when its your friends – it sounds like this has been such a good move for you so congrats!
I feel like it’s so hard to not grab your phone first thing! But I try stay off of it right away, especially during the weekend mornings =o)
https://dreamofadventures.com/
Yes completely agree!
These are such great tips! A few months back I read a good, short reminder that’s helped me a lot: “create more, consume less.” It just nudges me to me to focus on what I’m doing, and less on what everyone else is doing. That doesn’t mean I don’t reach out and support other bloggers, it just means that I make sure the creating outweighs the consuming.
It’s tough when you can see celebrity’s on social media too – talk about completely unrealistic aspirations – but I try to keep those accounts to an occasional peep, rather than an actual follow. I also have a sneaking suspicion that the amount of posting (and what they’re posting) is exactly inverse to the amount of a persons happiness. It’s not always true, because I do like to share and have fun without needing the validation, but there are a lot of people who overshare, or are obsessive about it, or share more to brag than anything else. I sort of just assume the people who are barely on social media are the more normal, grounded ones.
http://www.shessobright.com
Found your blog by way of another blog and I love honey. As a very new blogger its so easy to get caught up in the traps. I have a vision but seeing others curated & beautiful all together sites makes me anxious & work in over drive…. Take away I’ll be using is going to sleep with my phone off & in another room. Starting my day without scrolling, yes! Thanks for great content beautiful!
wonderful tips….
stop looking at other people’s filtered life…
That’s I think comparison with other people is a disease that you should take it out just like you take cancer. Sometimes I can’t really help but to see myself looking at other people life’s and checking their profiles. I’ve fallen in this trap before until I heard about it in Tony Robbins 30 day program http://amzn.to/2HbJY01 and decided to dish it out of my mind… Great work…
OMG! This is just exaclty what I needed to read thank you!